It’s been a long time since I touched on live-action, but I just couldn’t help it.  When I saw this on the racks at The Beat, I knew I was in for something special.

After looking at the previews before the movie, I can only come to the conclusion that the film makers, Dead Alive Productions, are the most brilliant people in the universe.  They seem to have struck an amazing balance that makes them the perfect B-movie makers ever.  Spectacularly low-budget, bad in every aspect of film, and takes the project seriously enough that you can’t mistake it for being a parody.

And so I reveal to you the piece of crap known only as…

Flesh Hunters.

The movie starts off with dragging credits and snippets of a couple meeting, getting married, and… well, let’s make fun of that when the time is right.

For some reason, the snippets are shown through a weird wavy filter while creepy music plays in the background.  The intention, I guess, is to show how creepy it is even though it’s being used to establish character.  But all I get out of it is someone learned a new option in their video editing suite.

Yeah, visual effects aren’t going to be this movie’s strong suit.  But if it isn’t, then what is?

Soon we find out something terrible happened on the day they stayed over at a friend’s cabin.  Because spending the weekend at a friend’s cabin always ends great.

Seriously, just look at that.  Look at that.  The crime scene photographer clearly took this photo by purposely tilting his camera diagonally.  And it doesn’t even capture anything relevant.  If it’s just a general photo of the scene, then WHY THE FUCK IS IT TILTED?

Anyway, somehow a bunch of guys break in, beat the guy up, and proceed with one of the most unintentionally hilarious rape scenes in cinema.  Partially because the wavy filter is on throughout it.

So, that was the past.  As for the present…

The guy survived the attack and is now a deputy (I’m not sure if he was a deputy back then, honestly…) in what I can only assume is a Sheriff’s Departmant / Kinko’s.

His name is J.T., I shit you not, and he refuses the advice that he take on a new partner while transporting a prisoner.

This guy is annoying as hell.  Primarily because when we first meet him, he seems to take on a fake British accent… then for the rest of the movie he apparently decides not to stick with British and settle on “southern retard.”

While on the road, a UFO speeds by, apparently causing the van to die.

In a stunning moment of totally-sensical decision-making, J.T. steps out of the van with criminal in tow and investigates the woods.

So, about three aliens pop out of the mist and look like total goofballs.  The sheriff decides shit got serious, so he uncuffs his prisoner and leaves the handcuffs on the ground, because… fuck it.

So, the sheriff and the prisoner run off deeper into the woods because they completely forgot where the hell the highway was.

Oh, and then a lost hiker gets killed by the aliens after they run their red marker all over her face.

The aliens for some reason don’t even have low-budget masks.  They just have this weird orange glowy blur effect on them.

J.T. and whats-his-face get separated and the deputy has to save him from an alien attack in the most awesome and stupid way possible.  He brandishes his gun and runs up to the alien to aim it point blank at its head.  Okay, not really.  His gun was already brandished, as he spends most of the time running with it in his hand.

After getting knocked aside like a candy-ass, the prisoner saves the deputy by repeatedly whacking the alien over the head with a board.  Yeah, apparently these guys are glass cannons.  Remember this because it’s actually one of the few consistencies of the flick.

The two get separated yet again as the deputy makes it back to the road, where he almost gets run over by a sexy chick.  Sexy chick decides to get out and investigate the woods, because… fuck it.

She promptly gets knocked out by aliens, stripped, and tied up.  I would’ve made a screencap, but I have to draw the line at full frontal.

The deputy sees the abduction and decides to go in for the rescue… then realizes he’s missing his gun.  I don’t know why he checks his holster considering he usually keeps his gun in his hand.

The damsel in distress is successfully rescued after the aliens just kinda lose interest, since, I’m assuming, having her naked and tied up in front of the camera was good enough.

Her only real role in the movie, outside of being the supposed love interest, is to run around with practically nothing on.  Also, she kinda reminds the deputy of his raped and dead wife.  And that’s kinda hot, I guess.

By the way, I’ve been neglecting to mention these campers… It’s about a guy who’s out camping with his girlfriend and his sister, and… they complain a lot.  Every time the movie switches to them, I hope NOW is the time the aliens show up to kill them.

Yeah, so apparently the aliens do have masks… and glow… There’s, like, no rules for how these aliens work.  They do glowy stuff to heal each other and to kill other people or just wound them or stun them or something…

Meanwhile, the deputy tells the love interest to stay put because the middle of the forest is the safest place to be while he looks for help.  Yeah, that’ll fly.  Eventually, he finds help in the form of around 10 hillbillies living in a small shack.

No, they don’t have a phone.  But they’re totally onboard for alien hunting, and they bring their own weapons.  That is, boards, farming tools, rocks…

The campers get sorta split up and encounter aliens, and I guess all these plot threads are converging soon since it’s almost the end.

Deputy and hillbilly army shows up as the aliens are dealing with the campers, and the final battle begins.

The hillbillies take a couple losses, but overall they beat the everliving shit out of the aliens.

These guys were so freaking creepy that when they finally came through and killed the aliens, I was hoping this was a subversion and they were all just a tight-knit family that wanted to help.

Nope, no such luck.  Were they just regular crazy folk that wanted to rape everyone?  Nope, no such luck there either.

Turns out, the hillbillies were aliens too.  But a different species that arrived on Earth centuries ago.

They… Well, they pretty much farm humans because they’re considered a delicacy.

So… everyone’s pretty much screwed now, right?  Not quite!  The prisoner shows up with shotguns, frees the deputy and male camper, and all the hillbilly aliens get pumped full of shot!

After the massacre, backup is finally called in to clean up, the prisoner is practically allowed freedom for coming to save the day, the guy gets the girl, and all is right with the world.

..or is it?

I assume he’s referring to the bad CG, not the actual invasion part.  After all, they’ve got shotguns, backup, and a load of sticks and rocks on their side.