Speed Racer was never a masterpiece of animation or storytelling.  It was a simple episodic series about a boy who raced in his tricked-out car and occasionally defeated terrorists.  It was usually a coin toss whether he raced to stop terrorists or stopped terrorists so he could race.  But it still ended up being a cultural icon, and apparently that nostalgia was good enough to warrant a motion picture adaptation more than 50 years after it ended (ignoring both the 90s series, which totally existed, I swear).

So I figured what the hell.

We begin our story much like we begin Talladega Nights: with our young protagonist, Speed, displaying that he was born to race.  Either that or he has a horrible learning disability.

So, even more frightening than being so obsessed with racing that he can’t focus on elementary arithmetic, he takes pleasure in the thought of racers having head-on collisions.  Y’know, the people  and machines you expect him to respect above everything else?  Yeah.  That’s just wrong.

Hell, this kid has animated psychedelic delusions of driving in the middle of class.

Actually, y’know what?  I respect that at that age, he makes sure to have a stacked pig-tailed chick as one of his fans.

By now it should be painfully obvious that the film’s biggest improvement over the original is in the lip flap matching.  The original was terrible at that; there was even a character who talked but never moved his mouth.  And I don’t even mean opening and closing; it never MOVED.  I even remember seeing one scene where Trixie talked by moving her entire head left and right like a spaz.

*ahem*

But Speed is more than just a racing nut; he’s a family nut.  He’s a huge fan of his older brother, professional racer Rex Racer.

By the way, that image is a perfect illustration of the clashing styles in this anime.  The background artists really went out of their way to produce some crazy technicolor environments, but the characters are drawn in a super-realistic style that doesn’t quite mesh.  The result is a strange yet oddly intriguing look.  It’s hyper fantastical with a swirl of reality, and for some reason it works.

Oh, and this backstory is actually revealed through flashbacks during one of Speed’s races.  It’s clear that Speed is the best racer out of everyone there, but he isn’t racing to win – he’s racing against his brother’s time, which is also the track’s fastest record.

Flashback to Rex’s run, which is amazing considering he set an unbeatable record while employing loads of pointless drifting.

Meanwhile, everyone’s going crazy at seeing Speed coming close to beating that record.  Also, the audience is going mad at the insane visuals.

But enough about Rex.  Speed’s girlfriend Trixie is up in this too.

Trixie remembers the time she first met Speed.

After Speed takes Trixie home, he delivers a package addressed to Rex, which Rex tosses into the street, because he knows it’s a bomb… and fuck any neighbors who happen to be out in the street.

Trixie’s flashback ends here, and she resumes watching Speed’s race with a smile on her face, which is… well, weird.  Are we to assume Trixie sent that package bomb?

The next series of flashbacks has Speed remembering Rex leaving home and telling him not to listen to what the media will say of him.  What follows is a sort of montage of Rex winning races while intentionally causing other drivers to crash.  Then they see him die in a fiery explosion after entering a tunnel shaped like a human skull.  At least he died in style.

Speed is all alone in front of the competition, and he sees his brother’s ghost… like a, well, racing ghost.

Just as victory is within his grasp, Speed presses on the brake and lets his brother “win.”  Still, everyone goes wild over the rising star, and Speed gets media coverage and sponsor offers.

One such sponsor is Royalton, who arrives at the Racer household and invites the entire family over to his company headquarters.

Royalton shows the Racer family about all the resources they could have at their disposal and all the perks Speed would have just for being one of his racers.  He even has Speed meet with one of the top racers in the world, Jack “Cannonball” Taylor, who is kind of a big deal except he’s only ever shown in this scene and in the final race of the movie, so not really.

The offer is tempting, but Speed asks for a little more time.

Meanwhile, in a secret hideout, we catch a glimpse of the secret side of racing kept secretly hidden.

A racer named Taejo Togokhan (who also happens to be the son of the owner of Togokhan Motors) is being tortured by a mob boss-type named Cruncher Block for trying to mess up his plans.  The boss also talks about how he’s kinda into Taejo’s sister, and that just about takes me out of the whole scene since now I’m just wondering what she looks like.  Just as he’s about to get his hand eaten by piranhas (yeah), something unexpected happens.

An attack by Racer X allows Taejo the opportunity to escape, but Taejo is kind of a little bitch and doesn’t show much gratitude for his masked savior.

Meanwhile, Speed and Trixie sit alone in the Mach 5 and… talk about his pending decision regarding Royalton’s offer.

Speed eventually catches on that Trixie only cares about getting into his pants, so he promises to give her a kiss in front of paparazzi right after a big race win.  And, predictably, they go for a kiss only to be interrupted by Spritle and Chim Chim, who were hiding in the Mach 5’s trunk for no particular reason.

The next day, Speed goes to Royalton to give his answer while Spritle and Chim Chim once more stow away inside the Mach 5… because he wants to steal all the candy he saw on Royalton’s personal plane.  Still completely in character for the original.

Spritle hears security coming for him, so he makes  a break for it and goes on a sugar rush-fueled rampage inside Royalton Motors.

Meanwhile, Speed gives his answer, and it’s a no.  He talks about how racing brings his family together, citing how an old Grand Prix tape where Ben Burns (who Speed has posters of on his wall) won managed to get Pops Racer out of his depression over Rex’s death.  Royalton laughs at the story, then tells Speed perhaps the most unconvincing story intended to get Speed to change his mind: Racing is fixed, the Ben Burns race was fixed, and the only use racing has is to affect the stock market.  And this is supposed to change Speed’s mind because…?  Then Royalton tells Speed exactly how things will play after Speed says no: his racers will sabotage Speed’s chances in all of his professional races, preventing him from even finishing races.  Then he’ll have Pops Racer sued over highly suspect patent infringements, driving Pops’ business down, effectively ruining both Speed’s and Pops’ careers.   And, wouldn’t you know it, exactly that happens.   This comes to pass through an interesting segment in which real time is shown interspersed with Royalton’s explanation.  I honestly can’t explain it properly without showing it.  It, much like this movie itself, just has to be seen.

During that race, Taejo Togokhan is also targeted, and we finally get to see his hot sister!

And to make things even worse, after the race, Speed meets his idol Ben Burns, who confirms that his famous Grand Prix race was in fact fixed.

While Speed is feeling guilty about bringing disaster to his family, they receive a visit from a man named Inspector Detector.

Inspector Detector wants Speed to join with Racer X and Taejo to prevent a takeover of Togokhan Motors by winning the Casa Cristo 5000, the only non-professional race that awards an entry into the Grand Prix.  And if he does this, Taejo will turn over evidence that could put Royalton behind bars.  But said race also turns out to be the one that Rex died in.  So naturally, Pops refuses.  But Speed decides to go against his wishes and joins since it’s the only way he knows to get back at Royalton.

It is here that the race shifts from F-Zero to Wacky Races.

Every racing team has a ridiculous theme and has been bribed off to make sure Team Togokhan gets taken out of the race.

Not just that, but every team has hidden and unlikely weapons hidden in their cars.  That’s why the Mach 5 has been rigged with all sorts of defensive tools: buzzsaws to cut through wooden obstacles, a bulletproof canopy, hub shields to deflect tire spokes, instant-replacement tires, tire spikes to climb up difficult terrain, and a robot bird that can be launched to take pictures.  The bird is never used in the entire movie.

Team Togokahn pulls away with the lead, but Speed and Racer X have to pull back to save Taejo from a trap, costing them the lead in the first day of the race.

Oh, and during the race, Pops finds out about Speed entering, and the whole family manages to get to where Speed is staying for the night in less than a day.  I mean, I’m assuming Casa Cristo is in another continent, so… that’s gotta be one fast flight.

That night, ninjas attack Team Togokahn in their rooms.  Yeah.  You heard me.

One ninja manages to poison Taejo and escape.  One ninja gets completely beat down by Racer X.  The last fares better against Speed in a fight, but when the rest of the family gets involved, his chances don’t look very good.  And then he runs into Pops.

Actually, Pops twirling around a ninja like it’s nothing is something pretty much directly lifted from the original, believe it or not.

The three racers survive the attack, but Taejo is weakened from the poison and won’t be able to recover in time for the race. But they have a replacement.

The next morning, Cruncher Block attempts to kidnap Taejo’s sister, only to be karate’d by Taejo, dressed up as his sister.  But if Taejo is here, who’s driving?  Certainly not bear.

In one of the more disappointing twists, the team decides to have Trixie racing disguised as Taejo.  I was kinda expecting Taejo’s sister to go instead, but I guess Trixie makes more sense since she’s a better driver.  Which is information we only got just now, but whatever.

Team Togokhan makes a detour to a rendezvous point to switch drivers, but the Taejo also brings along Block, not knowing what to do with him.  Block’s henchmen arrive, and an all-out brawl ensues.  Block and his men are subdued, but Team Togokhan has spent too much time screwing around and need to get back to the race.  And the next obstacle in the race is the same cave where Rex lost his life.

Naturally, the team manages to make it through and take the lead.

Royalton’s plans to merge with Togokhan’s rival company and acquire a monopoly on transponders is ruined.  So he goes to plan B and makes a business deal with Togokhan.

So yeah, as it turns out, Taejo never had any intention of putting Royalton away.  This was all to improve his family’s business, and the whole race was for nothing.  Yep.  Just as Royalton said, racing is all about business, and Speed is pissed off.

Racer X finds Speed and tries to get him to calm down, but Speed is in a dickish mood tonight and almost kills Racer X by ramming into his car several times.  But Racer X is unharmed, and Speed demands that Racer X tell the truth about being his brother Rex Racer.

Racer X takes off his mask and reveals that he’s… some stranger and Rex died.  Whoops.  He also says the line “It doesn’t matter if racing never changes.  What matters is that racing doesn’t change you.”  Racing… racing never changes. *cough*

Speed doesn’t know where to go from here, but he decides he’s going to leave home.  That is, until Pops has a heart-to-heart with him about family and racing, which is still unconvincing.  But then Taejo’s sister shows up and gives Speed Taejo’s automatic invitation to the Grand Prix.  Since Taejo declined to participate, Speed can use his invitation.  And to prepare for the race, Team Racer gets to work on the new Mach 6.

Fun fact: Speed uses the Mach 6 at the first track (Thunderhead) and at the Fuji track, where the other racers completely wreck it.  The only race the Mach 5 is used on is the Casa Cristo.  So in ever official race, Speed uses the Mach 6, which is why they’re making a new Mach 6.

Anyway… yeah, Speed really has nothing to gain directly from this race.  But if he does win, he changes racing itself.  His victory means racing is not “fixed.”  But it isn’t easy.  Speed is an immediate target for everyone right from the beginning.

It should be noted that the Grand Prix is a whole new psychedelic beast on the visual senses, complete with utterly unnecessary graphics.

Speed manages to come up from dead last to a dead heat with Cannonball Taylor, who is no match for Speed, so he throws away his pride as a competitor and uses a spearhook to attach his car to the Mach 6.  Speed uses his power jacks to reveal the spearhook to the cameras, exposing Taylor and Royalton’s cheating.  Unfortunately, the maneuver also results in a crash that leaves the Mach 6 dead.

At least, until he uses the Heart of the Cards to jump start the Mach 6, re-enter the race, and…. tap into the Speed Force to blow past all of the competition?

And after seeing some of the craziest shit ever, Speed wins, inexplicably CHANGING THE NATURE OF RACING FOREVER.

And in an epilogue, we learn that Racer X really is Rex Racer, but with plastic surgery, Taejo decided to turn in evidence against Royalton after all (and hey, his company already got what it wanted from Royalton, so screw ‘im), and Royalton is sent to prison in the cheesiest way possible.

Accuracy: 5
Okay, it sure as hell isn’t 100% accurate to the original, especially since it doesn’t take place anywhere close to the 60’s, but damn… not only are a lot of characters accurate, whatever changes they made were arguably vastly improved.  In the original, Speed was a bit of a whiny stubborn dick that believed in doing the right thing, and that hasn’t changed.  Racer X / Rex Racer originally ran away from home because Pops didn’t want him racing, so he put on a mask that he promised he wouldn’t take off until he became the best driver in the world… then he became an international spy when that didn’t pan out.  Compared to that, Rex’s backstory in the movie is bloody brilliant.  But more importantly, the movie manages to bring across the feel of BOTH old childrens anime and Saturday morning cartoons in a unique fusion of western, Japanese, reality and cartoon that I don’t think anyone was prepared for.

Pleasure Rating: Damn Good Watch
Sure, it’s pretty cheesy, and I can understand why the critics didn’t like it… they’re assholes.  But honestly, for a PG-rated movie aimed at both children and nostalgic adults, it’s all in good fun and a real trip.  If you were expecting a dark and gritty Speed Racer, get your shit checked.

Rewatchability: 5
Or at least, it would be rewatchable if you don’t get epilepsy the first time around.

Music: Catchy Theme Song
Honestly, not a lot of memorable tracks, but the mood is always on point, and the ending credits is a modern remix of both the Japanese and English themes.  Cannot go wrong.

Marketability: 5
Colorful characters, colorful tracks, awesome cars?  It’s a frigging gold mine.  It even had a damn good video game made for it.  It’s just a shame the franchise couldn’t be taken further than it was.

To be perfectly honest, Speed Racer is not a franchise to be taken seriously, and it hasn’t.  That’s what makes this movie so brilliant: not only is it allowed to be stupid, it doesn’t abuse that power and ends up making a faithful adaptation, all things considered.  I mean, just look at previous attempts to modernize the series in the 90’s, both in Japan and America:

And I’m not even going to subject you to the horror that is Speed Racer The Next Generation.

Neither of those attempts captured the camp or style of the original.  Either one of them might have been good, but they didn’t have the actual soul of Speed Racer, opting to either go too serious & cool or too cartoony.  The movie manages to strike that balance perfectly, and it was the best choice possible to make it primarily a story about family and explore WHY racing is important, giving the story a reason for all problems to be solved by racing.  It could very well be the greatest adaptation for Speed Racer anyone could ever dream of, and I’m not even sure how anyone dreamt it up in the first place.

Dunno when the next review will be, but there’s a high chance it’ll be .hack//Quantum, as my dad is still using my VCR, leaving me with just that and the Ah! My Goddess! movie to work with.