To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why I decided to go with U-Jin Brand for this review, nor can I fully explain why I snatched the title up when I found it on eBay.  Perhaps it was just because I wanted more older hentai titles on VHS.  Perhaps it was because I was intrigued by the title being published under U.S. Manga Corps and not its Anime 18 label.  Perhaps it was because I neglected to do the regular research I normally do and didn’t realize I already had it on my hard drive.

U-Jin Brand is based on stories by U-Jin, a hentai artist probably best known in the west for Sakura Diaries since it’s not hentai and was licensed by ADV.  Personally, I like him best for his Angel series.  He’s also known for the Tales Trilogy (Konai Shasei): three releases (Tales of Sintillation, Tales of Titillation and Tales of Misbehavior) consisting of three standalone stories each, with each story containing sex but mostly revolving around some absurd premise with a hit-or-miss punchline at the end.  U-Jin Brand is much like the other Tales titles – so much so that it was later released under the title “Tales of Seduction.”

The first story is about Kazama Tsurujiro, an idol songwriter who pines for his first love and dreams of seeing her again.  He’s also a total scumbag who uses his position to sleep with teen idols (not that he tricks any of them per se; it’s implied that they all come to his apartment with that expectation in mind).

The idol pictured above introduced herself, was invited inside his apartment, and instructed to take her clothes off before his door was even shut.  It’s all rather impressively business-like.

Kazama is also completely shameless about his hobbies.

He also spends his spare time staring at the teenage girls at the high school he lives next to.  But despite his completely sleazy nature, there is one thing he holds to be completely pure: his love for his childhood friend Akiyo.  It’s also completely creepy because he idolizes and borderline stalks a high school girl named Akiyo who reminds him of his Akiyo.

Throughout the story, he’s seen rolling a pencil and consulting a line game to make decisions like what the title of an idol’s next song is, or which bridge he should walk down for a chance encounter with Akiyo.

One day, he receives a call to come on a game show where he’s reunited with his lost love, but with a catch: he has to pick his love out of a lineup of women.  He goes after cute girl after cute girl, completely ignoring the real Akiyo:

Kazama… doesn’t take it very well.

As he wallows in depression over Akiyo turning out to be so ugly, the high school Akiyo he’s been sort-of stalking knocks on his door because she wants to be an idol.  Kazama wonders whether or not he should sleep with her and resorts to his games of chance.  When they decree he should NOT sleep with Akiyo, Kazama goes “fuck it” and tells her to strip.

The next story is…

This time, our hero is one Mr. Toyama, a president at a… er, company.  Y’know, one of those generic Japanese companies that does… something… and earns a lot of money.

Meanwhile, a girl named Sachiko Honda is taking a recent breakup rather harshly.  Her fiancee Mr. Nakadai only wants to marry a virgin, and he dumped Sachiko for one Hitomi Akimoto, some plain-looking slut that pretends to be a virgin to get with guys.  It… honestly doesn’t make a lick of sense, but we’ve only got like 12 minutes, so let’s not dwell on the plot too much.

Sachiko tells her troubles to her friend Sakurako (who also happens to be Toyama’s secretary).  Sakurako comes up with a plan:

The rapist-for-hire calls himself “Toyama no Benbei,” and somehow no one is capable of connecting the dots that he is in fact President Toyama.  Sakurako does tell Sachiko that although he won’t take money for his services, he does expect a certain other sort of payment.  Sachiko thinks what we’re all thinking, but it turns out he has something VERY specific in mind.

By the way, I looked all over the Panic Software website and found no info on Dragon Train.  In fact, it seems they didn’t even exist until around 7 years after U-Jin Brand was released.  I feel lied to.

Anyway, it takes zero effort for Toyama to get Hitomi into his car for some beachside car sex.

The very next day, Toyama calls Nakadai, Sachiko and Hitomi to his office and basically just tells Nakadai to his face that Hitomi’s a slut.  Hitomi tries to deny it, but then Toyama reveals his identity as… Toyama.

So uh… Hitomi admits to being a slut and gets hired at a different company, while Sachiko and Nakadai have their wedding date set.  Because it’s totally okay for the guy to dump his fiancee and go out with another woman before turning around and hooking up with the ex-fiancee again as long as that woman is publicly shamed, is what the lesson of the story is, I guess.

The third and final story is:

Huh.  Would it be too much to ask that the first story be a Toyama story just for consistency’s sake?

We start off with Umemoto Tomoko, a girl who has sex with a man named Iwata and wants him to break up with his girlfriend Kyoko.  Kyoko is also pestered by Mr. Umemoto, Tomoko’s father.  Strangely, the Umemotos screwing up this couple’s relationship is completely coincidental.

Well, Tomoko complains that Iwata won’t break up with Kyoko, so she asks her father to do something about it, like fire Kyoko.

Mr. Umemoto wants none of that, so he does the next best thing: claim to President Toyama that Iwata raped Tomoko and get him fired.  And… not arrested, because it’s Japan and rape is just something you keep quiet about and live with, I guess.

Sakurako suspects that something’s up and she does some investigating.  Then she approaches Iwata and gives him a list of games to bring to a nearby health club.

Iwata is confused by the question, as he had no freaking idea he was supposed to meet a rapist-for-hire.  He immediately regains his wits and emphatically tells him to rape Umemoto Tomoko so he can blackmail her father into letting go of Kyoko.

You never know who you might be talking to.

At this point, I feel I should point out that it’s a minor plot point that Toyama drives a BMW.

The next day, Toyama calls Iwata, Kyoko and the Umemotos to his office to resolve their issues.  Iwata says that Kyoko was indeed raped, but not by him, but by someone else.

Iwata has no proof that she was raped, so his dreams of blackmail are completely shattered.  However, Toyama reveals his identity – again, as Toyama – as his “proof.”

So, it’s revealed Tomoko was indeed raped, and Umemoto is asked to step down if he wants to keep this shame a secret.  Because there’s absolutely no leverage against a proven and admitted rapist.  There just isn’t.

But then an amazing twist happens – and no, it’s not that they decided to counter Toyama with charges of rape, because that would make too much sense.

Turns out, Kyoko really did love Umemoto, and she criticizes Iwata for his willingness to live in poverty as long as he and Kyoko are together.  Sakurako then chastises Iwata for not realizing how in love Kyoko and Umemoto were with each other.  Then Tomoko calls him out for being pathetic and declares there are better men out there for her.

Sooooo, Toyama got his game and got to rape a chick into loving him, and Iwata gets suspended, loses his girlfriend and the rich nympho that wanted him for no apparent reason.  I guess the lesson is… rape can’t fix all your problems if you’re a guy?

Comedy: 3
U-Jin Brand really works the absurdity effectively, especially in the last story.  Between U-Jin Brand and all three of the Tales Trilogy, this is clearly the funniest.

Wankability: 2
The sex scenes are all brief and softcore.  They don’t last long enough to really get going; it’s almost as if they’re obligatory.  Still, all of the girls are VERY appealing.  It’s rather disappointing that Sakurako doesn’t get a scene though.

Pleasure Rating: Guilty Pleasure
Honestly, it’s not that good objectively, and the first story is just as forgettable as all of U-Jin’s other short stories, but the Toyama no Benbei stories are just so out there and so shameless that I just can’t help but laugh.  It’s really stupid, but I had fun, and I wouldn’t mind looking up some other Toyama no Benbei manga chapters.  I just wouldn’t put all that much effort into it.

Rewatchability: 2
There’s really nothing worth watching a second time unless you’re sharing the experience with others.  And even then… it’s kind awkward.  Might be worth it for some of the laughs, though.

Music: There was music?
You would think there would be opportunity for some good music with the first story with the idols, but… nope.

Marketability: 2
Not gonna lie; U-Jin draws some damn fine characters.  That said, none of them are all that memorable.  So, they’re pretty much all perfect for erotic oneshots.  U-Jin’s Angel series is a lot better in pretty much all respects, marketability included – but even then, Angel’s pretty much nestled dead center in overall mediocrity.

Overall, not bad.  Fairly enjoyable at spots, but pretty much a one-and-done experience.  Your experience may vary depending on your tolerance for its scumbags of varying degrees.

Next week, I continue on with the JAST USA Memorial Collection’s Milky Collection.  I’ll take a look at May Club, then the following week finish up with Nocturnal Illusions.