Feel like playing a hentai game but not interested in quality or challenge?  Or perhaps you don’t want to put in the time investment to play a full game, but you still want to earn your hentai instead of just looking up a CG pack?  Well then, Meet n’ Fuck STILL probably isn’t up your alley, but fuck it… some people actually play them.

Yes, today I’m finally covering Meet ‘n Fuck: the creative black hole of Newgrounds erotic gaming.

I can’t tell you who is responsible for making these games, and I don’t particularly care enough to do the research.  For all I know, they spontaneously come into existence  from the dregs of the Internet.

I’ll be covering exactly one out of the entirely too many MnF games.  It’s one of the best (“best” of course being relative) of the lot: Star Mission.

One of the first things I noticed about this game is that the character designs look awfully familiar.  They have the distinct style of Yamane Masahiro, of The Sagara Family, Amorous Professor Cherry, and Do You Like Horny Bunnies? fame.  Good reason for that: they were all ripped from a game he did called Space Trouble.

The plot is… you’re a cryogenically frozen man who has been woken up to perform duties on a ship on its way to a planet.  Men are only used for breeding.  You apparently dislike this yet are still horny enough to want to stick your dick into every girl on the ship while you secretly plot a mutiny.

When your pod opens up, we’re treated to some of the actual original art in this game:

Your first sight upon waking up is this:

Now, let’s take a look and see the original…

This highlights the first flaw of MnF games: the art is either fucking terrible, or it’s stolen.

Star Mission is probably one of the most complex MnF games out there, which is, again, really sad.  Basically, the flow is to go from place to place, chat with girls, locate items, give the correct item to the corresponding girl, have sex, then unlock progress somewhere else.  Most MnF games simply have you do the chat and the sex.

MnF games tend to be classified as “dating sims,” but that’s giving them entirely too much credit.  You always have three choices, and you end up having to either pick the only good one, the most dickish one, or some random cryptic one.  It depends on the game, and for the most part, Star Mission just goes with the obvious good one.

Not that it matters since if you say a wrong answer, they just get disabled so you have no choice but to pick the correct one.

Most MnF games follow the Zone-type system where you just click on a button for various phases of sex while a bar fills up, and once the bar is full, you climax.  But sometimes you also get to play a silly minigame I like to call “hunt the erogenous zone!”  In order to fill up the bar, you have to rub the right erogenous zone.  For instance, you can’t just start off rubbing her breasts; you have to work up to it by first rubbing, say, her thigh.  Or… her lips.  Or… her right upper arm.  But not before you rub her left upper arm.  That’s crossing the line.

Yeah, she’ll play with herself completely naked in front of you, but god help you if you rub her shin before you rub her arms.

So you basically do the chatting, the item collection, the sex, and the occasional minigame until you lay all the girls on the ship.  There’s really no fulfillment or sense of accomplishment involved.  Most of the time it’s just “hey, you’re competent!  Let’s have sex!”   Or, literally, in the case of the girl pictured above, “Let’s talk in my room,” then the words “several minutes later” show up on the screen and the sex minigame begins.  Or even better, “I found this vibrator we you can use as a potato masher.  Now that I’ve saved you some time, let’s fuck!”

None of these girls have personalities or backstories; all they are is representations of whatever role they’ve been assigned.  The gunner acts like a gunner, the captain acts like a captaion, etc…  But hey, if you’re playing an MnF game, well, you’re really only in it for the sex, so why should you care?  Oh, right… you might as well just be looking up the CG set of Space Trouble for much more erotic content and none of the stupid hoop-jumping.

Now, I’d like to touch upon one or two more just to show you how BAD MnF can get, but I think showing off how “good” it can get is enough.  The writing is pretty consistently bad, and the gameplay is nonexistent.  MnF lives and dies on the art, and the only time the art is good is when it’s stolen.

Now, what if I told you there was a MnF-style game that people actually paid for?  It has original art that’s actually good, but it retains all the other flaws of MnF: shit story, shallow characters, embarrassing dialogue, and tedious hoop-jumping.  Then it enhances two of those flaws by forcing you to clear an unfair and unforgiving minigame to get to the sex, and introduces voice acting.  Sounds fucking horrible, doesn’t it?

Well, strap yourself in, because tomorrow we’re taking a look at Huniepop.