Well, the PSO2 anime is finally here.  Time to judge it harshly and make unfair comparisons to the game.

So, is this going to be an adaptation of the game story?  A side story?  Or… is it going to be about people who play the game?

Alright, so it’s basically a shameless commercial, then.  No reason we can’t still enjoy it though.

We begin the cold open with PSO2 characters fighting their way through a swarm of Darkers.  A boy we presume to be the main character breaks through by himself and comes face to face with the main force.  This sequence COULD have been pretty hype, except it’s pretty much the third opening of the game, only at night, starting indoors, and with worse graphics and somehow lower framerate.  Honestly, it would have been more impressive to just show game footage at this point.

Then we see the opening.  It’s pretty much a showcase of Japanese school setting generics, followed by a showcase of PSO2 player character generics.

Again, I have to point out that PSO2 has plenty to draw from to make a hype opening, even using generic models. Just look at the third opening.

Notice how you get a taste of multiple classes and races.  Notice how EXCITED it makes you to play the game.  Why couldn’t the anime have come ANYWHERE close to that?  Hell, just look at how the anime’s frame rate fucking PLUMMETS when the opening switches to “game” mode.  It’s disgraceful.  We’re in 2016.  We’ve ALREADY SEEN CG animation done right.  I made fun of Overlord for its CG animation, but at least the frame rate matched the rest of the animation.

Y’know, I think the most underrated little detail put in that opening is how the final scene shows off 12 characters: the maximum number of players you can have in a megamap (three four-player parties).  After saying that, I looked at the final shot of the anime’s opening, and they have 12 characters there as well… except one of the characters is an NPC, so… not quite.

Okay, let’s get past this issue and move on.

Our hero Tachibana Itsuki, a male student in a pseudo-futuristic version of Japan.  He attends Seiga Academy, and I assume their mascot is Sonic the Hedgehog.

While rummaging through his stuff for his school ID badge, he’s vouched for by the class president, Izumi.  She seems to be universally loved – especially by the man I will forever label Officer Pedo.

We meet Itsuki’s generic friends that I’m sure I won’t remember the names of, and he re-learns that they play PSO2.  Hopefully, one of them doesn’t fall into a coma.  Later that night, he receives an email from Izumi, telling him to come to the student council room after his classes.  Why?  One can only hope funtimes… but that could be just me.  I’ve been watching entirely too much hentai lately.

By the way, I knew the idea of school idols is a bit bizarre, but I can’t help but feel like they’re taking the concept a little unrealistically far for the setting.

We actually spend several minutes hearing about how absolutely fucking perfect Izumi is.  She excels at everything she does, whether it’s academics or athletics.  AND she’s beautiful… in a generic sort of way, I guess.  This means either we’re in for an absolutely amazing deconstruction… or this is going to be groan-inducingly cheesy for the entire run.  Shortly after that, we find out that Itsuki can be counted on to sub for any activity – he’s sort of a jack of all trades, like a mediocre male Izumi.  In other words, someone made a conscious decision to design him to be as generically plain as possible.

Meanwhile, his friends talk PSO2 again.

Anyway, it finally hits 6PM, and we FINALLY learn why Itsuki has been called to the student council: He’s been assigned as the new vice president (the previous vice president having resigned to study abroad).  Even weirder, his first task as vice president is to play PSO2.  Why?

After a short explanation, no one from the audience to the main character himself is convinced of the legitimacy of this.  But fuck it.  Just roll with it.

Itsuki logs in to PSO2 for the first time, and the anime takes a shortcut by using actual game footage.  For some reason, the process of choosing a Ship (server) is completely skipped, and we go straight to the character creation explanation.  Maybe it’s just me, but I think picking the right Ship is kinda fucking important.  You can’t party with friends cross Ships, and the entire English-speaking community is concentrated on two Ships (or at least, it was the last time I checked).

Actually, Randomize miraculously generates a male human Hunter that looks exactly like Itsuki.  Funny, you’d figure he would’ve just picked the default model if he wanted to look like himself.

For a weapon, Itsuki “chooses” the Gunslash.

Oh god…. where do I begin?

Weapon basics.  Every weapon has a basic attack (left click), a selection of Photon Arts (right click), and a Shift action.  Ranged and Magic weapons generally use Shift to change Photon Arts, but it’s different for melee weapons; it’s usually a defensive action.  For swords, it’s a block.  For twin daggers, it’s a spin that avoids attacks and performs a weak attack at the same time.  For the Gunslash, it changes between Gun mode and Sword mode, meaning that the Gunslash is the only “melee” weapon without a defensive action.

The Gunslash is unique in that EVERY class is capable of using it.  This makes it versatile in that you can have it equipped and you’ll always be able to use it even if you change classes.  Versatility in battle is another thing altogether.

In the melee blade mode, the Gunslash’s attacks are faster than the basic sword’s attacks, but they’re also weaker and they don’t stagger enemies as easily.  Basically, melee mode Gunslash is best used as a swift in-and-out weapon.

In gun mode, the Gunslash has just a little bit of kick to it.  The rate of fire is utterly pathetic, however; while other ranged options can reasonably take on mobs of enemies at a time, taking on a mob with gun mode Gunslash is a great way to get yourself killed.  On the upside, you CAN use it to pick off enemies from a distance and attack boss weakpoints with relative safety.  It’s just a crazy slow process.

I guess the primary benefit of the Gunslash is that, no matter what class you are, you’ll have melee and ranged options.  You’ll just never be particularly good at either.  Huh.  I guess it’s perfect for Itsuki.

At any rate, even that benefit is limited once you unlock your Subclass.  Then you can equip a REAL ranged or melee weapon.

Anyway, Itsuki’s first experience upon logging in is… rather amusing, for once.

This CAST (named SORO) seems to have just changed classes, so he’s at the perfect level to train a newbie like Itsuki.  But then suddenly, a Darker invasion event starts up.  Like a dumbass, Itsuki immediately volunteers for the mission.  Now, this can be a great opportunity to level up if he manages to join a party and stick to using gun mode to leech experience from the hordes of Darker waves.  What are the chances he rushes in with sword mode and gets oneshotted?

The first enemy he encounters is…

Itsuki somehow gets a direct hit from the Breeahda’s projectile attack and doesn’t get oneshot.  He gets saved by the heroic CAST, and we find out he’s a Ranger equipped with a Grenade Launcher.  I’m guessing his main class was Hunter.

Heroic CAST wisely tells him to switch to gun mode.  Itsuki does so and fires a couple of regular shots at the Breeahda head-on, causing it to be knocked down.  Okay, I’ve been willing to suspend my disbelief for a LOT of crazy shit, but you can’t fucking expect me to believe that a lv. 1 Hunter using a Gunslash KNOCKED DOWN a Breeahda with a 5+ level advantage with a normal shot.

Anyway, Heroic CAST tells Itsuki to aim for the weak spot.

So Itsuki uses a charged shot and blows the Breeahda away.  I… what?  No, that… that doesn’t fucking happen.

Anyway, we find out that Heroic CAST (wait, his name is SORO… it’s just so easy to forget) is actually played by Izumi.  Huh.  Well, that’s pretty fun.

Anyway, thus ends Itsuki’s first foray into PSO2.  He killed one enemy, then quit the Invasion event.  What a fucking newbie.  As he logs out, we find he’s watched by a mysterious Newman with a Rappy.

Oh, and we see a mysterious new student show up at the academy.  GEE, I WONDER IF THEY’RE CONNECTED?

We’re still not sure why it’s the vice president’s job to play PSO2 and submit reports on it, but I assume it’s because the school profits off of it somehow.

Anyway, that’s the end of the episode, and we hit probably the most entertaining part: the end credits!  And that’s not really a huge jab as much as it is applauding the end credits for hitting upon what PSO2 is all about: Rappies, rare drops, and idol concerts.

It’s a really fun song, actually.  I of course immediately had to look up if it was based on an actual concert event.  It was.

So, am I looking forward to the next episode?  Ironically, sure.  I’m looking forward to three months of PSO2-based riffing, because that’s pretty much all the value there is to this series at the moment.  Of course, that was what I was expecting in the first place, but I had no idea it would be this bad and provide this much riffing material.  I hit the jackpot.

But seriously, this is quite possibly the most painfully generic commercial anime I have ever seen.  I doubt it’ll get anyone to pick up and play PSO2 on its own merits.  But you know, I think it’s rather effective at getting me interested in picking it back up, if just to revisit the world and check out what’s changed.  Besides, I still need to complete some Matter Boards and clear the first Episode.  It’s just… the grinding… dear lord the grinding…