PROMISES WERE MADE!

Okay, so I bet you’re wondering where I’m going with this “Hentai-less Hump Day” thing.

Well, if you’ve looked up as much hentai as I have, you’re bound to have come across these ads promising adult browser games based on the “Big 3” titles of Shonen Jump (though… not quite so much anymore): One Piece, Bleach, and Naruto.

Naturally, it piques one’s interest.  They’re advertised as free-to-play games, which is code for there being a cash shop attached.  And if there’s a cash shop attached, naturally one wonders “is this legal?”  Can you really just blatantly profit off another intellectual property without their permission like that and maybe even give the impression that this is officially licensed hentai?  Okay, no one in their right minds would come to that conclusion, but still, it makes you wonder.  It’s not like this is some fangame sold on DLsite; fuck, even those games tend to self-censor trademarked names or shy just an inch away from using them – Final Fantasy games will tend to have “Final” or “Fantasy” in the title, but rarely both.  Here, there’s no ambiguity at all.

So here’s the next thing on your mind: this is an Evony thing, isn’t it?  I don’t know where it’ll take me, but those aren’t Shonen Jump games.  Well, let’s see… You click on the ad, you get taken to a game selection page.

What’s strange about this splash page is that it gives you the impression that all three games are under the same umbrella.  But for some odd reason, each game is hosted under a different site that you need to register for separately, even though I’m pretty sure the same company is responsible for all three.  There’s really no reason for that.

Once you choose your game, it’s on to registration/login.

Every single step of the way, we are led to believe this is going to be a hentai game.  Well then, I guess there’s just one question left: What kind of hentai game are we in for?

A nonexistent one.

Well… it’s a browser game, all right.  Visually, it reminds me a lot of Lunia… but significantly simpler.  You’ve heard of theme park MMOs, right?  You get pointed to go from spot to spot to spot to learn  the basics of the game.  Well this is a fucking roller coaster MMO.  If you click on auto path-finding, you’ll just automatically go to the next place to trigger your next quest.  Basically, just strap yourself in and the game practically plays itself.

You pick a preset character and have practically no customization options.  Battle is practically automatic.  There’s almost no strategy involved once you’re actually in; the battle is won based on the equipment you’ve set, your level, your allies, and your formation.  And I’m betting somewhere down the line, your build.

The Bleach game is pretty much the same thing with different skins.

What’s funny about the Bleach game is how little they gave a fuck about consistency.  You report to the Soul Society, but you have the option to pick an Arrancar or Quincy character.  Early missions have you retreading early stories from Bleach like fighting Orihime’s brother, but if Ichigo is your ally, he’s full-mask Vizard.  And keep in mind, you fight Orihime’s brother AFTER you fight Aizen and Ulquiorra.

While you’re strapped to the rails and breezing through the tutorials, you’re told how to improve your character… without any proper explanation or choice.  You have a choice of three Zanpakutos, but when you finally unlock the option, the tutorial forces to pick the one it wants you to.  Rails is the name of the game here, and I just couldn’t be bothered to play long enough to find out where it goes from here.

If I had to hazard a guess, you would gradually lose HP and need to wait an amount of time before you could challenge more quests to level up, and you would pay for extra chances at gacha items.

Oh, and yes… there is absolutely zero hentai content in the games.  Is it pathetic that they use hentai – and not risque cheese, mind you, but full-blown full frontal – to draw more players in to these games?  Absolutely.  Does it work?  Abso-fucking-lutely.  Is it going to get them more money in the process?  I don’t see how.  There’s evidence that these games had a decent community pre-blatant sex appeal advertising, but there’s just so little going for them outside of the novelty of playing a Jump browser game.

Early on, there’s little evidence that you’ll have customization options down the line.  Hilariously, in the Bleach game, you have the option of hairstyle, clothing, and expression, and once you make your selection the game pretty much goes “fuck that” and just slaps the default class skin on you.

There’s not much else to say but… isn’t it backwards as fuck that you get all the hentai content BEFORE you even play the game?