Well, I was originally going to be posting some obscure anime reviews, but I just came back from Rasputin’s and bought me a couple of B-movies that sounded hilariously bad, and I just had to share.
This movie starts off innocently enough with a poorly-done dub job involving Asians that look more Filipino than Japanese (I swear, I saw one guy in a barong), excited to receive ninja uniforms, and trained by a clearly overweight white guy dressed in a camo-pattern ninja outfit. The ninja training class consists of pointless athletic demonstrations accompanied by laughable sound effects. This includes applause. Because real applause just isn’t real enough.
Honestly, I think one actor was hired just to do backward somersaults. Day 1 of the training consisted of the instructor telling a new recruit to flawlessly replicate somersault-ninja’s somersaults. He lands on his back and gets whipped. “That’s enough for today.” The new recruits stage an escape and get hunted down. At no point so far have we been told that they were trained to be ninja unwillingly. They just thought it would be awesome to be ninja (and are right in thinking so) then pussied out because one guy fell on his back trying to do a backward somersault. BTW, we also learn that the Asian students have names such as Johnny and Godfrey.
During the escape, the students are chased by attack dogs. Whenever the camera cuts back to look at the chasing dogs, it’s clear that flashlights are being shone on them. One chick takes a shuriken to the cheek and forehead. These things have one-inch-long blades and she got one in the forehead, yet she’s merely floored and gives a half-hearted “it’s too late for me, you go on ahead without me” speech while crawling on the ground as if she were a horror movie damsel. That’s right, chick takes a shuriken to the forehead and gets the equivalent of a sprained ankle. Tanking shots like that, maybe she should’ve stuck with the ninja training.
After crossing a river, they’re ambushed by a group of thugs that want to “round up the men and have fun with the women.” They are saved by an awesome man in sunglasses and a bowl cut who owns them with some of the gayest martial arts moves I’d ever seen. I rarely want to use “gay” as an insult, but my god, you have to SEE this guy in action to understand. Immediately after, they sneak into a nearby farm for some eats and meet “Uncle Brown” who offers them work with a Japanese man named Yamada. The awesome man in shades doesn’t even get a thank you. Since I’m typing this review as I’m watching, I don’t know if they ever meet up again.
Predictably, Uncle Brown is in the pimping business. Too bad the female recruit seems to have had some fighting training (and yet ran away from being trained as a ninja), and is capable of knocking foes away using only a pillow. The fourth guy in the room manages to subdue her by himself, despite being no better at fighting than the previous three. His pimp hand is just that strong, apparently.
The B-story is that the ninjas have been hired to take care of some opposing organization that’s cutting into their territory or some shit like that. Big Whitey sends three ninjas to go out in broad daylight and kill some man that looks like he’s just come back from the office.
Back to the A-story, another of the girls is brought to Yamada, who is apparently more than just a man who likes whores; he also sells them for ransom. The girl known as “Lily” is bought back by her aunt and seems to be not too bothered about being sold into prostitution and raped, but is traumatized by the dog attack and is scared shitless of her aunt’s pet dog. She shakes that off as well after a short, non-graphic bubble bath scene. At this point I’d like to say that I feel somewhat cheated at the lack of nipples. Luckily, this is made up by the overall cheesiness of the flick. Oh, and Lily re-enters decent society by becoming a nightclub hostess. Some of the veteran hostesses get jealous of her and target her. I’d like to point out here that the leader of the group has a pretty nice tomboy look.
B-side again. This time we have three hooded ninjas DRIVING A CAR ON THE HIGHWAY, tailing another guy driving home from the office. When the camera zooms in on the car pedal, the driver ninja is somehow wearing brown loafers and no socks.
A-side. Lily is approached by the hostess girls, who call themselves the “5 lady ninjas.” She beats their asses. Remember, this girl received ZERO ninja training; she ran away from the camp because she was afraid she couldn’t do a backflip. One of the recruits has now turned to a life of crime and wants a better life for himself and is derided by the rest of his group.
B-side. This time the three ninjas are running around the city streets in broad daylight again. Their target is a balding slob that looks like he just got back from getting baked off his ass. Turns out he can fight and beats the crap out of the three ninjas before escaping.
A-side. The second girl at Yamada’s place, “Jenny,” flees with the help of some guy who has a thing for her. He gets the hell beat of him while Jenny flees.
C-side?! A mook working for Yamada wants a decent job, but can’t get one because of his rep. So now he stalks bathroom stalls threatening to cut people’s dicks off unless they pay. He gets arrested. I hope we never see him again. Also, a U.S. government agent is informed of activity from ninjas.
A-side. Jenny manages to find Lily. Meanwhile, some of the other refugees come to Yamada and ask him to rescue Jenny (WTF?) and buy her back. Yamada tries to cheat them out of their money, but they flee with the money in tow.
Awesome shades man is back! Thugs want revenge on the guy. He handily defeats them in what can only be a demonstration to show off this martial artist that they hired for the film and wanted to make sure they squeezed every penny out of.
A-side. The guys that wanted Jenny back are being chased by one of Yamada’s hitmen. Meanwhile, Jenny has become a hostess and gets targeted by Madonna, the head of those “female ninjas.” Madonna invites Jenny to get beat up at a stall. Lily finds out and stomps the shit out of Madonna. Her aunt orders the two to go back out and serve the clients. Too bad the next client is Yamada. Next scene we get is our first full-frontal nudity scene, and it involves a girl who has nothing to do with the plot, and her lover who likewise has nothing to do with the plot. In the next room, Yamada is in bed with Lily, who is uncooperative and bites Yamada to chase him off. Love scene with the two unrelated lovers. Meanwhile Yamada is taking a bath after having done nothing with Lily. The guys come storming in to rescue Lily and Jenny. Gunshots are fired at Yamada, who escapes back into the bathroom and into the bathtub, defenseless. The guys take this wonderful opportunity to break Lily out and look for Jenny, without stopping Yamada for good. With the gang together, they decide to look for a boat to flee the country because Yamada “will be sure to want revenge.” Brilliant fucking geniuses, this bunch.
At the docks, two guys named “Fat Dog” and “Old Chan” are dead, and the culprit is Yamada’s hitman. After a lengthy fight scene, one of the guys is impaled with a steel pipe. The hitman tries to kill Johnny next, but the first guy was only MOSTLY dead and impales the hitman back.
Meanwhile, Jenny has been kidnapped by ninjas and brought back to Yamada. I’d like to point out that Jenny and Lily were both pretty hot pre-hostess. Apparently, putting on a load of makeup and getting a perm is supposed to make them prettier. I disagree. Anyway, Yamada just got finished with Jenny and graciously allowed two of his thugs to have seconds with her. In comes Lily to save the day, knifing folks like nobody’s business. She has a decent fight with Yamada. meanwhile, Johnny comes in for backup despite the fact that he’s been at the docks and should have had no idea that Jenny was brought back to Yamada. Yamada’s been training, apparently, and he manages to fight off Lily and apparently kill Johnny. Speaking of that kill, Yamada fails to choke him out with a lamp post, so he pulls his lamp post back and thrusts him in the throat. Lily attacks Yamada with her amazing bites of doom and is accompanied by “rabid dog” sound effects.
A ninja reports to camo ninja leader that Yamada has died. The messenger is killed for his report. Next scene, camo ninja leader is fleeing with a briefcase and meets up with a ninja in a white uniform. The man is clearly the U.S. government agent from before. He reveals that the two have had the same master and he vows to defeat the bad guy. What follows is a horrible fight sequence that involves a lot of budget teleporting. The battle leads the two to a beach where the white ninja delivers the finishing strike on camo ninja. A triumphant fanfare marks the bad guy’s death, and white ninja turns his back and slowly walks towards the shore.
THE END.
Yes, that’s how the movie ends. We never find out what the deal with dick-cutter or awesome shades man were.